Friendship - φιλία

 ἔστι γὰρ ὁ φίλος ἄλλος αὐτός  Aristotle Nicomachean Ethics 1166 a31

Inquiring about a couple in my class who seem to be always together, I was told: ”I think they are just friends.?” I replied “I hardly think so, from the way they behave towards one another.”  This set me on to a philosophical debate within my head:  What does it mean to be “just friends”?  Young people obviously use this expression to indicate that the relationship between the two is not serious or will necessarily result in something serious.  But that only heightened my philosophic enquiry because I cannot understand not being “serious” about being friends or the friends one has.

There appears to be a hierarchy of friendships.  At the bottom I suppose there are those friendships we have because of our work and those who are our neighbors.  If we intend to get along with others at work or home we had better get along as friends with our neighbors and co-workers rather than be enemies.  So at this level our friends are forced upon us by our notions of civility.  Perhaps this is what is meant by the expression “just friends”.

Above that we have our acquaintances - those people who we are willing to wave at and acknowledge their presence from time to time and engage in polite conversation (chit-chat). Some might not consider this friendship at all, but I think we ought to give the benefit of the doubt here and realize this as a sort of low level of friendship.  We are pleasant to these acquaintances, but not overly pleasant; we merely, perhaps even in some cases reluctantly, engage them in conversation and other forms of polite social intercourse. I doubt that this is what is meant by the expression “just friends”.

The next level seems to be that of social associates.  These are friends we party with, have occasional dinners with, perhaps play cards with and sometimes travel with.  These are those whom we consider true friends, those we can count on to be entertained by and whom we can entertain.  This is the common level of friendship; many of us have only these kinds of friends; they are loyal so long as they find loyalty in us.  They define us in terms of our social life and what we do apart from work.  They are the friends we often vacation with, go fishing or hunting with, or even go on a cruise with.  They are not lovers in any sense - these friends - though in some way we do love them for the privilege of being with them.

The Greek word of friend is ὁ φίλος, from a Greek word φιλέω meaning to love.  Generally this type of love is contrasted with other forms of love and defined as brotherly love.  But that is not it altogether.  This kind of love is related to φιλία or friendship and Aristotle makes much of this in his Nicomachean Ethics indicating friendship as a form of love.  I venture to affirm that the higher forms of friendships are a kind of love.

True friends are those whom we rely on for help when we need it, those whom we rely on without asking for assistance and who readily render that assistance.  These are friends we can count as friends who are true and reliable; those who even if we are separated from them for years, we start again where we left off, those whom we count on as always being there for us to offer empathy and sympathy when we hurt, those who we rely on for sound advice when needed are these kind of friends.  We are not ashamed to reveal our true selves to these friends for we know that they are true and no matter what we may do they will reliably stand beside us to defend us if necessary.

Intimate friends are those whom we consider family, or the next thing to family.  We share our lives, our heritage and our children with these friends.  We share with these friends what is most precious to us.  These are the friends for whom we would give the shirt off our backs if we thought they would need it, or sincerely asked for it.  These are the friends we would lay down our lives for. These are the friends we cannot say Hasta Mañana to without the anticipation of another tomorrow.  These are the friends for which only death can separate us.  They are lovers in a sense, though that love is not erotic and not necessarily religious.  These are the friends who lift us up when we lose our spouse, parent or other intimate friend.

This past weekend we had visits from such higher friends.  One was a childhood friend of my wife and her husband, and the other a student of mine from 40+ years ago.  We talked as if we were never apart; we shared food and drink with them.  I know one is told that it is not good to have or develop friendships with students, but what other reward can one have from teaching, surely not the high salary.  It is indeed a joy to see again those whom we have taught and know that they are healthy, happy and successful.

My wife has two friends very high on the scale of friendships.  When she is gone they take to looking after me.  What is most precious to us we share together; we know their families, their loves and their heartaches.  We do all the things lower levels of friends do, but we do one thing more - we think on them as if they were another self.  We seek their advice and assistance and offer ours when necessary.  They have been friends for decades and we cannot say to them Hasta Mañana for fear there may be no tomorrow.